I wonder

i start wondering "why" because i noticed this

"For my dearest erica pricilla tjiadarma oh, her hardwork for gonzaga festival proposal, letters, invitation, everything oh gosh. i’m speechless that she’s still sane enough to be president of yearbook committee. if i were in her position, i’d shot my self in the head. love you so much er. accompanying her all those long days and long nights, she’s doing hers i’m doing mine."

written on L's post.

I wonder why oh why did i stand the pressure that much back then. Thank you L for that paragraph, i'll take it as a compliment. To be honest, lately I've wondered why can i stand that pressure. Lately in my first semester in University, I have been striving just to get good grades. Well I do enjoy it you know, the whole drawing and being in the creativity world. I have been holding tightly to myself that I want and have to work in a environment that has to do with art, creativity, and so. To be realistic, it is hard to work in Indonesia as an artist that only work solely only with art. Architecture maybe could be the only practical job that had creativity and technic in it. But, as much as I enjoyed it, hard-work and no sleep also comes with it.

I am tired that I didn't have enough sleep.

I am frustrated that I can't be in the top part in my class.

I am being quite an outsider cause I only thing about grades.

I am not going to put myself in the same condition like when I was in the first grade of highschool.

I really don't want to feel that same level of frustration.

But then again how can I survive like what L said in her post. I was a first secretary for Gonzaga Festival which if I may say "a heck of a trouble", and i was president of yearbook committee, on top of that I still maintain my grades for my last year in highschool (I got a cum laude for my UAN grades). i remembered that I've made a C.V before i entered university and it was kinda shocking for me to see it again. It was quite a list.

I wonder and wonder how can survive that tension, that much of responsibility, that much expections. Come think of it, maybe i've got reasons. I got my L, J, and yeah well G who made me feel that everyday at school is fun cause being with them is such a blast. The environment itself, Kolese Gonzaga, feels like home. I miss it so much. The community, everybody was like a friend.

I do wonder and wonder.

Will i survive and fulfill my dreams and expectations in University?

I will, or at least I hope I will

still unsure